First a bit on our vow ceremony:

Myself, Kyle and seven of our novice brothers all professed vows of perpetual poverty, chastity, and obedience, stating that we will commit ourselves to live these vows within the Society of Jesus for the rest of our lives.  No small task!  For me the beauty of professing vows came in the last line which states, “And as you have freely given me the desire to make this offer, so also may you give me the abundant grace to fulfill it.”

To make such a promise, knowing full well my own weakness and inclination to my own selfish desires, requires placing Christ as the center of my life.  To do so means constant prayer and reflection on where I encounter Jesus in my daily activities and labors as a Jesuit.  During the Vow weekend this became very apparent as we all were blessed with family, friends, and our brother Jesuits that came to witness to our promise to Jesus and celebrate with us.  With the duties of planning the weekend, entertaining friends and family, and the realization of what a commitment I was making it became easy to fall into stress and anxiety.  The key became examining my conscience and praying to recall the true purpose of the weekend.  This was a pivotal time for my vocation to take a step closer towards entering into true discipleship with Jesus.  What helped me to regain my peace and composure and what gave me strength to profess vows was spending Friday night in Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament.  Adoration has always been a great way to place myself before God as I am, admitting my true self to Him which always results in a peace that only God can place in our hearts.

Having refreshed myself in such a state of mind I really felt the words of Romans 12:1-2 come to life in me:

“I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, your spiritual worship.  Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.”

What better practice than placing oneself before God in the Most Blessed Sacrament, to share the depth of your heart with God in order to understand His will in our lives and cleanse ourselves of the distractions of our daily activities.  Without this reflection we can easily confuse or replace God’s will with that of others or our own.

Having entered into the vow mass refreshed with God’s will in my mind and reminiscent of the many confirmations I had received over my two years in novitiate I found myself confident to lay myself down before the Eucharist to profess vows.  It was a prayerful practice and one that has left lingering graces even two weeks later.

As I have made my move to Chicago to begin studying philosophy I encounter much struggle in the daily grind of moving, scheduling class, knowing and living in a new community, but when anxiety begins to settle in I recall those words of Romans 12 to conform my mind to that which is pleasing to God.  It has not been an easy transition, but I encounter God in the new members of my community here, the the knew challenges that studies pose, and in the recollection that the Lord places the words in my mouth and the conviction in my heart to go and set the world on fire.

May we all live according to this Holy plan of God even in the face of adversity and strife, knowing that He is with us and in us always!

Thanks for all your support since the beginning of our novitiate until this new phase of formation.  It would not have been possible without the prayers and support of St Xavier Church!  Kyle and I have discussed perhaps continuing a separate blog to serve as a way to follow us here in Chicago.  As we settle in I will send a new link to the blog.  IN the meantime know of our prayers and friendship in Christ.

God Bless!

AMDG

Matt

While history may be a key focus of this month, we have also had ample opportunity to get to know one another.  I have enjoyed meeting the Novices from other Novitiates, particularly those that will be studying Philosophy with me at Loyola University in Chicago at the end of next month.  During our time here, we have had the opportunity to pray together at Morning Prayer and Mass, share meals together, play soccer and softball, and participate in weekend excursions to the Rocky Mountains, religious shrines, historic towns, and other places of interest throughout this beautiful region.

With regards to Saint Francis Xavier, I have decided to take the name “Javier” (“Xavier” in Spanish) as my Vow name next month.  Next month on August 13, with God’s grace, Matt and I will pronounce what are known as First Vows in the Society of Jesus, which are perpetual vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience.  Each of us is allowed to take a Vow name, which is appended to our given names.  Over the last few weeks, we have gathered to affirm each of our second-year Novice brothers for the graces they have received and gifts they have shared with us, the Society of Jesus, and the Church over the past two years.  These sessions have been incredibly moving and are evidence to how God has been at work in our lives.  As we approach August 13, I find in my heart the great desires to live these Vows as fully as God’s grace allows and to be on fire to do God’s holy will.  I ask for all of your prayers for Matt and me, as well for the other second-year Novices who will be taking their Vows next month.

Long experiment required a tremendous amount of grace, as I was given for the first time, more challenges then I thought I could handle.  The overall message was one of trusting in the Lord as the Good Shepherd.  The theme first appeared as I was called on to organize and help run a retreat for over 60 Latinos at our Jesuit Retreat Center in Oshkosh, Wisconsin.  As part of the healing service I sang Psalm 23 in Spanish which says, El Señor, es mi Pastor, nada me falta (The Lord is my Shepherd there is nothing I shall want).  These words stuck with me over the days of the retreat calming me in times of stress and filling me with joy at the prospect of doing God’s work.  My last reflection that I gave to my Jesuit community was the gospel of John regarding Christ’s analogy of the good shepherd and the sheep.  I took this as an overall theme of my long experiment that Jesus was shepherding me and guiding me through some dark valleys that I may emerge more prepared to take vows in August.

We were also called on to write a letter requesting vows into the Society of Jesus.  Initially I found it a tedious task but after some solid spiritual direction I was able to formulate what I was feeling about my desire to take vows and what the reality of living these vows has meant for me over the past two years.  Since entering the novitiate I have truly felt confirmed based on my own spiritual growth, ability to adapt to new environments, and the compatibility I have seen amongst our apostolates and communities.  I find that the vow of poverty is where Jesus has presented Himself to me as a meek, mild, and humble man and asking me to emulate these characteristics to those I meet in ministry and to my Jesuit brothers.  This image of Christ came to me back on the 30 day Spiritual Exercises and has been a consistent part of my prayer ever since.  Upon looking at that vow of poverty I feel that it ties into obedience for me that I am called to trust humbly in the presence of Jesus in my superiors and fellow Jesuits.  I have to admit that every chore or mission that I have been given has taken my own heart and will into account and upon completion most are very conducive to free me to be more available to serve Jesus in deeper and more powerful ways.  To come full circle I feel that for me to be able to embrace the vow of chastity I must obtain a poverty of spirit.  This entails possessing enough self understanding to be aware of both my gifts and weaknesses, accepting them and then learning to meet others as my true self.  By being my true self I am able to vulnerably open myself to intimate relationships and friendships with those whom I live and work and recreate.  As a chaste and celibate man these relationships enable me a type of availability to a wider variety of people and allow me to more fully give myself as Christ does.

I look forward to embracing the next adventures this summer ( a month long history course in Denver, an 8 day retreat, two weeks of recreation at our villa home) as we count down towards vows.  Knowing that I am being guided by the Good Shepherd in each step of the way!

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Open to Growth:  Prior to my experience at Prep, my notions of preparatory schools were largely formed by my public school biases and my ideas of teaching were mostly based on several less than ideal past experiences in the classroom.  At Prep, I have been challenged to put aside those conceptions and have grown to appreciate the incredible value of a Jesuit education, the impact such an education has on the character of the students, and yes, the rewards of the educational field.

Intellectually Competent:  Long Experiment was my first time teaching theology and specifically Scripture, a subject I had never studied before.  While this seemed like a daunting task back on January 1, with some humility and patience, I have been able to learn the material and find ways to impart my new-found knowledge to the students.  As the semester draws to a close, it has been gratifying to discover signs that my students have learned a few things over the course of the semester.

Religious: Retreats, school Masses, and vocation-related events have been major highlights of my experience at Prep.  I have been moved by the faith and commitment of the many students I have encountered during these activities, especially since I myself was not Catholic in high school.  It has been through assisting with and participating in these events that I have gotten to know many of the Prep students as individuals and ultimately as brothers in Christ.

Loving:  What has most impressed me during my time at Prep is the genuine love and care that the Prep students have for one another and that the faculty, administration, staff, and Jesuits have for them.  It is not uncommon to find students giving each other a pat on the back or a hug in the middle of the hallways during a busy school day.  The Prep culture encourages such sincere relationships as opposed to the superficial online friendships that are so common today.   There is a true sense of community at Prep, and I am grateful to have been welcomed into this community with open arms.

Committed to Doing Justice:  From dialogues I have led with students about the Catholic Church’s position on immigration to participating in Pro-Life prayer vigils to witnessing character-building talks by coaches on the soccer field, the commitment to a just society is palpable at Prep.  The expression “Men for Others” is more than just a catch-phrase here, but is upheld and applauded as a fundamental way of being.  The social conscience that the young men at Prep graduate with brings me great hope as they go on to be future leaders in Omaha and beyond.

So, I would conclude that my Long Experiment has embodied the characteristics of “Grad at Grad.”  I have been inspired by the students, staff, and my brother Jesuits during my time here and hope to carry with me the many lessons learned and graces received as I approach Vows in August.

The Freshman Retreat theme helps to summarize my experience to date here during my Long Experiment. Despite my hesitations about what life at a Jesuit preparatory school would be like, I have been surprised by how much I have enjoyed my time here and have honestly loved the experience.  While I am still not a natural at teaching Freshman Scripture by any means, with time I have discovered that with the right amount of patience, humility, and flexibility and lots of help from my Theology colleagues, I am able to share some level of knowledge with my students.  More importantly, through the experience, I have learned to find Christ in the students here at Creighton Prep.

Beyond the classroom and Freshman Retreat, I have had the opportunity to participate in the Junior Encounter retreat, during which I was moved by the many unanticipated letters of support I received from my brother Jesuits and friends and consoled by the profound discussions I shared with the student participants in my small group.  I have enjoyed sharing my vocation story and novitiate experience with students both here at Creighton Prep and Creighton University in informal and formal settings.  In addition, I have been able to prefect the lunchroom and computer lab, help with the choir and soccer team, tutor a Freshman, and give a brief talk on immigration.  In a brief period of time, I have been immersed in Jesuit high school life and I have discovered why this is such an important apostolic priority for the Society of Jesus.  The faculty and staff at the school reflect a deep sense of vocation to have a positive impact on the faith and lives of the students.

Finally, I have been amazed and grateful to see how grounded I have felt out here in Omaha, Nebraska.  Although I was glad to spend a few days last week reconnecting with Matt and other Jesuit and lay friends in Milwaukee and Chicago, I have found much life here in the Cornhusker state in my new Jesuit community, with the Prep faculty, through the local Church, in the Latino community, and even through some Hawaii connections.  In fact, this Saturday, I have been given the honor to give the blessing at the annual Creighton University Hawaii Club Luau.

Through my Long Experiment, I have been reaffirmed in my vocation as I prepare to request permission to pronounce Vows of Poverty, Chastity, and Obedience to God in the Society of Jesus in August.  I have experienced a growing trust in God and a growing recognition of the limitlessness of God’s generosity in my life.

After about 6 weeks in this experiment I am grateful for the experience that I am gaining in retreat work and pastoral ministry, especially in working more in the Spiritual Exercises.  Each weekend we have family based retreats to build communication between parents and children, we focus on training and empowering high school students to mentor middle school children, and I am working with a lay group that facilitates retreats based in the Jesuit tradition.  I have been invited to assist with a discernment group on Marquette’s campus, to speak about my vocation and life as a Jesuit novice, and to even be a translator for three days when the provincial from Ecuador came to visit us. 

I feel very blessed in this new endeavor and find many invitations to serve and live for Christ here in Milwaukee.  As always I am astounded by the solid example of my Jesuit brothers whom I live with here.  We are a community of roughly 16 men and all carry out a call to Christ through their own unique mission.  I am living with our provincial and some of his staff members (those who are basically running the Wisconsin Society of Jesus), we have a high school president in our community, a couple of college professors and deans from Marquette, a pastor from our Jesuit parish, a writer, spiritual director, and a doctorate student.  I have been given the gift of seeing the many ways that the Jesuits are able to serve God and bring about His Kingdom on earth.

  As I reflect over these past 6 weeks I have found a new invitation to greater generosity as I serve others.  I also have found an invitation to trust in God and let Him carry me in those moments of difficulty.  He has lifted me up through some great highlights  – delicious Mexican food, great seats at Marquette basketball games, some great friends to spend time with, and the realization that life is truly a gift.

I have been able to reflect on this wisdom as I recently experienced the interruption of 4-months spent in the comfort of our new novitiate community in Saint Paul.  After a brief Christmas break spent with Matt’s family, who have generously given me a home away from home in Ohio, followed by a 3-day conference with fellow Jesuits in formation, I received an invitation of sorts to set out for the frontiers of our Midwestern Jesuit provinces, to head out to my Long Experiment in Omaha, Nebraska.

While the modern city of Omaha is far from being a frontier town, in many ways for me, my missioning here to Creighton Prep Jesuit High School is an invitation from the Lord to embrace my own frontiers.  Since I did not grow up Catholic, a Jesuit Catholic all-boys high school is definitely a new and different experience for me.  As someone whose previously life was in fundraising and marketing, classroom teaching of theology is clearly outside my realm of expertise.  And though I had traveled extensively before entering the Society of Jesus, until 2 weeks ago, I had never stepped foot in the Cornhusker state.

Some sort of work with Latinos in a parish or social ministry setting or even in a high school would have been easier in many ways, but through the Fall I was drawn to place myself in God’s hands.  After all, as Jesuits we are called to be available to serve wherever the Church needs us and as the last major experiment before making our Vows, I sensed an invitation to leave behind the familiar to head out to the uncharted waters of Nebraska.

What will this experience hold for me? What graces will I receive?  What lessons will I learn?  Given my devotion to our Blessed Mother, I am inspired by her Fiat, to simply allow God in His own time to reveal those things to me.  Thus far though, I have received a warm welcome from both the school and the Jesuit community.  So I have every reason to believe that the Lord will continue to lead me in this new adventure of my Jesuit life.

Long experiment is r0ughly five and a half months living in a new Jesuit community and working at a Jesuit apostolate so that we familiarize ourselves with the lived reality of the Jesuit lifestyle, allow other Jesuits to come to know us, and to further prepare us towards taking First Vows in August that consist of poverty, chastity, and obedience.  My assignment will be Casa Romero in Milwaukee, WI working as a retreat facilitator with the Latino population.  Kyle has been placed at Creighton Prep in Omaha, NE where he will be working with high school students teaching New Testament and Theology class.  We expect to be challenged by the rigorous schedule of a full week of work while balancing prayer and social responsibilities in community.  This experience will also provide the necessary context for further discernment of vows as we first hand witness how it feels to actively live out the mission of the Gospel.

I find that over the past semester God has been surprising me with exceptional challenges and graces to show me what a big God He is that I am serving.  My tendency has been to bring God into my own limited view of Him and the world.  I find God wants to raise me up in prayer to see the larger picture and to understand that no matter what life looks like from my angle His view is mightier and full of endless possibility and potential.

This semester my limited view has seen in ministry a locked up and forgotten desperate population of criminals and illegal immigrants at Ramsey County Jail.  It has seen in prayer that I pray before a God that comes to me at the times he pleases and disappears for periods of time without notice or reason.  It has seen in community that each day is a new challenge to give immense amounts of energy and generosity.

From God’s view the men and women of Ramsey County Jail are enduring a time of transition, a step back in order to move ahead.  Whether they return immediately to God’s flock or not there are seeds planted and sown so when they do hit rock bottom again they will remember the time that Jesus has reached out to them through their Chaplains at the jail.  From God’s view in prayer when He presents Himself as absent He rests in my heart and envelops my whole being allowing me to understand that it is through this “absence of God” that He makes himself known. Just like through the darkness we can see the light and after the winter we appreciate the beauty of spring. (Something I’m truly going to appreciate after winter in MN!!) We must learn to look above the limits of our human vision to see that  we are being pruned, sculpted, and groomed in our day to day challenges in order to become our true selves and better learn to find God in the mess of life.

It is my hope that during this long experiment Kyle and I are able to look above to our All powerful God to guide us and carry us in the palm of His hand to fully understand His will and kindle in us the fire of His love.  A love that endures forever.

Matt and I, along with two other fellow novices, have spent 10 hours a week at a local jail as chaplains.  We spend time in prayer and conversation with people of all faiths and bring the Eucharist to those who are Catholic.  We are privileged to be able to meet face to face and in the same room with inmates who cannot even visit their family members in this way, but rather only via a video screen.  While at first, I was a bit intimidated to be left alone in a room with a person whose crime I never know about unless she or he decides to tell me, after a while I began to trust that the Holy Spirit would give me both the courage as well as the words I needed to share with the person before me.

Among the brokenness of these women and men, African Americans and Asian Americans, Latinos and Whites, we humbly seek to bring Christ’s presence where many are faced with hopelessness and despair.  One moment we may be with an accused murderer battling with mental illness, the next with an undocumented immigrant whose only crime in life had been to cross the border without the proper papers.  One of my first meetings was with a young man, an adopted only-child like myself, who was facing a multiple-year sentence in prison.  He sat before me, with his hands cuffed behind his back, tears streaming from his face.  As he continued to sob, mucus streamed from his nostrils, which he was unable to clean himself, so I took the piece of paper I had in my pocket and wiped it for him.  For a fleeting moment, I could understand the grace given to Blessed Teresa of Calcutta as she cared for the sick and destitute in India, for in that moment, the face of Christ was revealed to me in this young man.

In addition to the jail, I spend 3 hours a week with a fellow novice at an information and referral center for Hispanic immigrants, where I have been exposed to the day to day struggles faced by those who are adapting to life in a new country.  While some people come by simply to use the free Internet access we provide or to use the free copying machine, there are others who desperately need help with an asylum case lest they be sent back to their home country and face death threats from those who have murdered their relatives.  Some may simply want to look up job opportunities on line, while others need to find housing for their family even though they do not speak enough English to talk to potential landlords.  I have been truly humbled by the people I have met in this ministry and have come to appreciate how blessed I have been in my life, to not have faced most of the challenges these people face nearly every day.  In them too, have I found the face of the poor Christ.

The late director of  the Agrupación Católica Universitaria, the Jesuit Christian Life Community (CLC) which I joined in 2000, Father Amando Llorente, SJ, would often say that the Jesuit is called to go “donde nadie quiere ir y donde más peligro haya (where no one wants to go and where the most danger lies).”  This phrase inspired me 10 years ago when I first heard it during a weekend retreat and it continues to inspire me today as I attempt to live it as a Jesuit novice.  I have never felt so Jesuit as when I enter the jail in my clerical shirt, hear the metal doors slam behind me, sit with an inmate dressed in a orange jumpsuit, and offer myself up as an instrument of God’s love and mercy.